looking thru the window

My little dream

Well today is the day for my spanking.
I am sitting at my computer at 1:30pm. I keep watching the time because I know that at 2:00 daddy is coming over and he isn’t very happy with me.
The phone rings, I dread picking it up but I know I must and I hear his voice. “Little girl, I want you ready when I get there”
I am surprised and ask ‘what do you mean by ready?”
Daddy says “I want you lying on your bed, face down and 3 pillows under your hips; I want that bottom in the air.”
I don’t know what to say except “do I have to take my pants off?” there is a pause and I hear “I don’t suggest it, I am really angry and you will need protection. Now GO!”
I hang up the phone and I am shaking, I don’t know what I did to upset him and I don’t know what will happen. I decide to hurry and get into the position I was told to. It feels strange laying here like this; my mind starts to wander to my last spanking from Daddy. Suddenly I hear a jingling noise, I turn my head to see Daddy standing right next to me, and I didn’t hear him come in. I see what is making the noise and Daddy has been removing his belt. I get very scared and start to ask questions. I ask why he is taking it off, and is he going to use it on me, I ask if there is going to be a warm up first, why he is upset with me. Panic is setting in as he isn’t answering me. Daddy putts both ends of the belt together and makes a snap with it. I jump. I think about getting up and running out the door, but I don’t.
“Well baby girl. Looks like we have a problem here. Do you know why you are in your bed right now?” “No Daddy” I say. “My baby girl seems to have problems getting to bed and getting up in the morning like she is told to, isn’t that right?” I am too afraid to answer and I can hear a whoosh through the air before I feel the crack of the belt on my jeans. “You will answer me” another crack. “yes, yes I haven’t been going to bed” “very good, now I am going to give you 10 swats right now for making that the most broken rule, then we will proceed with the normal punishment.” I can’t believe that this isn’t part of the normal spanking that he is so mad that I broke one rule so much. “I am happy to see your bottom in the air waiting for my attention. Now I am going to spank you, after each one I want you to tell me what time is your curfew, understand?” “Yes, sir” Crack- 1 am, crack- 1 am…….. crack- owwww 1 am. “Now get up young lady.



Daddy stops and returns his belt to where it came from and slowly, alittle out of breath he says “my little girl you have till I get to 3 to have your face in the corner. 1….2….”
I jump up and do as I am told; there are no corners free of clutter (oops) so I stand in front of the closet door as I have done before. I am pretty clam and start to feel the burn building on my bottom. I am still angrily and stubborn.
When he comes back into the room he takes my arm and leads me over to a mirror, he undoes my button and pulls down my pants “ turn around and take a look” he turns me and I can see the welts and red marks forming, under my panties, I get a sinking feeling.
“Thank you for putting my chair here in the bed room. Come here and stand next to me. Now I am going to pull down your pants” “nooo” “fine you will right now” I don’t want to but I do as I am told and shimmy out of the jeans, I can feel the heat on my butt as they come down. “Now over my knee” I stand there unable to move I start to back away and feel like running, Daddy jumps up and grabs my wrist and pulls me down over his lap, I start to struggle and beg and plead. I feel the blows landing one after the other and I can feel the sting and heat building. After about 10 swats Daddy slows it all down, he tells me it is for my own good and if I dint fight him a few minutes ago the warm up would feel like this. The spanks are not very hard right now, just even from one cheek to the other, back and forth. I fall in to the rhythm of it all, I begin to relax and think of my misbehaviors. Daddy rubs my bottom which is sore already and tells me to get up, he stands behind me and guides me over to the closet door when he pats my bottom and tells me to stand there. I do as he tells me and catch my breath.
“So do you think that is good enough for this session?” “Yes daddy it is” as I reach down for my pants.
Daddy just grins at me “not even close little girl, out to the couch with you” I pull my jeans back up so I can walk; the pain of covering my bottom is intense. As I walk in front of him he reaches out and swats my butt as I walk. On the table in front of the couch I see the paddles. I cringe.
I sit down on the edge of the couch, a little too quickly for having such a tender bottom, but I don’t want to stand there, I have a sense that if I am sitting here he won’t be able to spank me somehow. Daddy walks over and sits on the couch. My insides are overwhelming me with anxiety. I know deep down that the punishment is not over and that I have done more wrong than not going to bed on time. I wonder why he is so calm at the moment and not saying anything.
He looks up at me and tells me “I have spanked you before and I am not sure what it is going to take to get through to you, you are a very stubborn little girl aren’t you?”
my heart sinks at the thought of disappointing and I lower my head, I whisper “ I’m sorry” at this moment I wish I could just jump across his lap and take his worst only to have the sadness and guilt stop.
I get my wish in just a minute when I hear Daddy sigh deeply. “Stand up right now” I obey what he tells me and now I am standing in front of him. “We aren’t going to have the same disobedience we did last time I told you to pull down your pants. If we do I will get the cane”
“ noooooooo no no not that!” I begin to slowly and carefully pull down my jeans. As I am doing this Daddy pulls out the same piece of paper from before. “Damn” I say before I think and Daddy reaches up and spanks my butt really hard “good girls don’t swear. Don’t do it again.”
“Now you will come here and you will go over my knee again. No arguing no comments just do it” there is a nasty small leather paddle that he keeps slapping against his hand.
I plan to lay all the way across but Daddy pulls me down to fast and I am only over one knee and up on the couch with my body. He folds one leg over mine and I get really freaked out. Is this going to be that bad that he has to pin my legs, I never move much before, what is going to happen? I can’t control myself and I begin to fight it, I squirm and beg to be let go.
Then without warning or words the first 5 blows land on my panty covered cheeks in a flurry of swats. “ owwwwwwwwwww” I howl. “ you will…. spank spank…stay still…spank spank spank spank spank. Do you understand… spank spank…. young lady spank spank spank.
“Oh my god this hurts daddy stoooop.” I plead
“Good I think my little angel is getting the hint” says daddy.
Daddy stops and rubs my sore bottom for me, it feels so much better but I am out of breath and feel like the swats are still falling.
“Now that we have that understood would you like to read this part of the note to me? He puts it in front of my face and I see what he has been looking at that made him so mad, it was a note that my friend Erica sent him telling him that I had gone 10 days without drinking all 8 glasses of water a day and I had been on the computer past 1 am another 10 days.
“ umm it says I am not drinking all of my water every day, but but daddy I am trying to…… I ..I get close every day. You can’t spank me for that!”
“What is the rule little one?” daddy said calmly. I have nothing to say.
Spank “do I have to repeat myself?”
“No daddy- ummm that I get 5 swats for each rule broken” I am talking so quietly now, holding my face in my hands, dreading what is next. I am laying there across his knee, feeling exposed and childish. His hand is resting/ rubbing my bottom over my panties.
“Ok so 20 times 5 is??????????” Daddy said, trying to be patient.
“NO YOU CAN’T THAT’S 100 SPANKINGS. NO DADDY PLEASE I HAVE HAD ENOUGH” I wonder why I am yelling this but I cant help it, I am really scared about what is about to happen, I feel my bottom and it is so hot already I cant endure more. I just know it.
“I cant hey, well here’s how it is going to go. We are breaking it up in 4 parts. First I am going spank this naughty bottom with my hand 40 times for the water. 8 spanks apiece for each glass of water you didn’t drink. So you will count the 8 at a time. Then I am going to do the same with the paddle. After that you will stand up and receive the next set with the strap. The same will be repeated for the bed time.
Daddy notices that I am not moving or arguing anymore. I am laying there and for the first time in a long time I am crying, I have resigned myself to the worst spanking of my life and given over myself to the man doing the spanking. My loving Daddy recognizes this and begins by slowly pulling down my panties.
“Oh daddy not that” I say very weakly knowing it wont matter but I still hope.
“Yes you are a very bad girl and because your Daddy loves you, you will have a very bad bare bottom spanking right now”
he begins very harshly and I am crying my eyes out, I had no idea a hand could cause so much pain but I try hard not to show that it hurts, I lay there and take my 40 hand spanks bravely ( or might be stubbornly) once again I am ordered to the corner.
Daddy walks in the room and has a sheet of paper in his hand… he says “alright young lady the first rule you will be punished for is the water. I feel that he has revved his arm back and is ready for this lesson. The paddle lands solidly on my right cheek and I let out a yelp. I decide to take this next part in silence and aside from the occasional yelp I am doing well. “38.,….39……40! Now stand up and get your face to that door.” As my hand reaches back Daddy warns “you touch that bottom and I will too.” I try not to cry and I try not to touch my bottom. I am feeling very sorry for myself now and I wish I had never asked for rules.

Now its time to deal with that bedtime curfew. Didn’t we discuss that this is for your health and your own good?” “Yes” I say quietly. “Well so is this, take 2 steps backward, place your hands on the door frame. Now bend over.” “Awww no please no”
“Are you disobeying your daddy?” I don’t answer I just bend over and hold onto the door frame. When I do I notice the strap in his hand. He places it on the bed and walks over to me; he reaches down and pulls down my panties. “Daddy I am to old to be bare, pleeeeeze don’t make me be bare I will go to bed I prommmmmis…..” I am trying to plead. Suddenly there is a loud crack and I feel the pain across my butt. Without the tiny cover and protection my panties gave the sting of the strap is intense.
“you will…..crack….go to bed…….crack…..when you are……crack…told! Crack crack.” You will….crack….. Be up…..crack… when …crack your daddy tells you to crack crack crack.” I can’t help but doing what is known as the spank dance and being still seems beyond my control.
Stand still and get bent over!” Crack crack crack.” Now tell me what you are going to do young lady” (sob) “I will go to be when I am supposed to and I will get up when I am told to….im sorrrryyyy.” “Good CRACK you better young lady because I will not tolerate insolence!”
Daddy stops and reaches for my panties, they are raised and he turns me to face him, he lifts my chin with his hand and looks into my eyes, he wipes the tears off my stained face and says “ you be my good little daddies girl now and all is forgiven, I have to do what’s best for you sweetie.” I am then held and rocked and feel safe and loved!

Accountability

Accountability----
I have really been thinking about this alot this week. I had suggested to Kirk that i was lacking motivation about the running of our household.

I asked him to help be break some bad habits and hold me accountable for any disharmony in our house. I have come up with a set of rules for myself, so he isnt the one telling me what to do here- i am.

i have gotten some great advice on how to handle it all, an decided a demerit system would work best with spankings if not followed through.
so i have been working on a chore chart and some consequences.
so it seemed to me to be all worked out but then i wonder if i should really be doing this, should i be working to be more of an equal partner to the man i am committed to? is all of this fair to my family. should i stand on my own two feet and tell him that i can and will self regulate my life? should we forget this whole accountability thing with rules and punishments and just have our spanking relationship as it started to be?

the thoughts i have are, can i do these things with out being reminded, checked up on and punished?
YES of course i can. I am a grown women, lived on my own for many years and survived without anyone helping me with them before. I am not a ditz woman or a freeloader. I am not a manipulator or entitled. I have paid my bills on time, managed a household (several if you include the fact i had to do it for my family since the age of about 6) and held myself accountable. I have been the personal secretary to my 2 sons for 16 years. raised my siblings and took care of my parents.sooo why do i want it now? good question.
maybe its because I AM TIRED!!!! ( not sleepy, just spent)i have been ultra responsible and ultra in dependant and strong.
maybe it is my MS and fibro that make me lose track of what i need to do, lord knows i cant remember a thing if it isnt written, i have notes to myself everywhere. maybe i feel safer knowing that it isnt all on me. maybe i am still in the pattern of being self destructive and clutter adds to my misery.

it isnt just house cleaning. for one I felt so loved when the rule came about for the seat belt wearing, i really mean it, it was incredible to be YELLED at because i didnt wear it. that someone loves me and worries about me being alive. then to be spanked because i forgot to wear it reinforced that i am lucky to be wanted. I think the worst spanking i ever received as an adult was for not taking my medications, for not taking care of myself. it was life altering.

i must say as a woman coming from an uncaring, self lead and unsupported childhood, this is the most loved i have ever felt. I guess the fact that the HOH cares so much about preserving harmony in the house, that he needs and wants us to be at peace is just as important.

I am great at getting myself into bad habits and terrible at breaking them. I guess accountability just speeds the process of self correction. i do want to be held accountable, it means that this man i have chosen to submit to wants the best for me.
these are ramblings and questions i must answer, i had hoped things would have become more clear as i wrote it all down. I still am not sure which way is right and which way is very selfish of me to ask him for.
I think i will go take a nap lol

the birth of a sub

this pic was how I met Kirk, he sent it to me and i couldn't resist sending him a thank you , i loved the idea of waking up and doing this. this is how my life started!

I have been around for a long time. i used to live my life more like a Dom than anything, i went to a all women's college and learned of the feminist ways and the tide of Independence for women. I believe it is wrong to strike or abuse a woman. I feel it is wrong to abusively control and restrict what a woman does. we have all seen the talk shows where men control there wives and girlfriends and beat them into submission. I believe these men to be cowards not worthy of a woman's love.

what i also have learned is that spanking and DD or HOH lifestyle is not that of the talk shows and all of the leadership done in our lifestyle is done with love and meant to guide and build on the person we are.

what i now know is that some ppl are born dominate and some are born submissive. you cant fight your true self.

i am still a very independent woman and god forbid anything would ever happen to Kirk :(

I would be able to survive with out him telling me each and every step.

i never thought of myself as a sub, i am 39 and just realized that it is my true path. i have always wanted to be cared for but i thought it was wrong, i thought i had to be a career woman with the Independence and power of a man. i married a man who was a sub also and i resented having to be the dom in the relationship ( we didn't know the roles at the time and we very vanilla) i stay with him for 16 horrible years and finally went out on my own. i was a single mom for 3 years and we did fine with me as HOH. i have 2 teenage sons and i worried what that would be like for them without a strong responsible man to be in the lead.

last July i met a wonderful man on myspace, we began a relationship of a spanking nature, he lives 400 miles away but it became very obvious we were made for each other. i gave up my life in WI and moved here with him, i am now happier than i have ever been. we have a HOH relationship now and i am loving it. it is my natural place in our home.

i am the caretaker for the family and he is the boss. i am guided not to hurt myself with self destructive ways and i am able to love and pamper my man. he actually is surprised by what i want to do for him. I am sad when he is sad, i am mad at myself when he isn't pleased about something.

i have learned that it takes a very strong woman to serve a family and a man. to be the one who fights for the Harmony of the home. I find there is great joy in seeing my family relax when they come home, having time to play and joke instead of clean and fuss.

because i have MS, i thought my contributions to the family and the house would never equal what my HOH does for us in working hard to bring in the money. I have very little money coming in and sometimes i feel like i am not doing my share. he is very supportive and trying to make me feel like i am doing alot for us. so even though i am not a neat person i am trying to be for my family.

i am proud to be a sub ( though i couldn't ever be a slave) i love my spankings and the freedom to be myself.i would never go back to any other way of life!

sweet valentines day

well, here i am spanked again, wish i had a better figure but this is it for now. lol- dont know if your suposed to post this kind of pic but myspace wont let me so here it is.

this pic is from a fun weekend getaway for Valentines day. we had tons of fun and my bottom is the proof. yes chocolate body paint.

I ended up with a new toy for our collection out of the trip. we stold a wooden rod from the hanger in the closet. man that thing is wicked. I hope it is only used for really bad punishments i was skillfully striped that day. but the pic is mostly from the hairbrush. something i usually dont get much of.

the real hard part was going into the hot tub with that red ass! wooooo hoooo

the top is a razor strop Kirk found at an antique mall. it is well used and worn... even more so now

and the bottom is a pic of the daddies belt that is only used when i am very bad. it is a replica of the one my father used on me and is a very effective trigger implement

The night before last i crossed a line in our relationship that i shouldnt have crossed. i get to spank kirk sometimes and right now he is getting a nightly spanking for every cig he smokes. ( he had quit months ago and slipped back into it a few weeks ago. he finally confessed and we worked out that he would quit again march 1st. so he gets to smoke for awhile but as a detrant he recives one stroke of the cane for every one.) but we had gone for a drive and he pulled off into a dard deserted lot and i got a nice spanking with a hairbrush. i had to lay my seat back all the way, turn around and pull down my pants. i got maybe 50 smacks. i felt warm and loved.

then i got playful and wanted him to take a turn. i told him that the swats could be for the smoking. but i changed my mind, feeling playful i began swatting faster. he yelled " hey thats more than 8! and i said yea i know. well he turned over fast and was very quiet. he was disapointed in me.

he told me that he trusted me and i had betrayed his trust. that i have to do what i say i am going to.

i felt terriable, i cried and told him i was sorry, that i just hadnt thought it through. he was wonderful and warm and forgave me with the promice that i would never do it again.

it could have been the end of that whole situation but i felt soooo guilty that the next day we had some alone time to play or punish. heres what happened.

i dropped my sons off at basketball pratice so that gave up about 2 hours to ourselves. i walked in the door and didnt see him right away. sometimes that means he is still preparing for me. so i just hung around for a bit until he came into the room.

i hugged him and told him how very very sorry iwas and that i would never lie to him again.

he held me and told me it was all ok and all was forgiven yesterday. but he looked into my eyes and said " you havent forgiven yourself have you?"

" no, I just cant seem to" I said

he took my hand and lead me up the stairs to our room. he hugged and kissed me again and told me to lay on the bed. he then put a pillow under my hips and left me there for a few minutes while he retieved an implament.

our rule is 100 swats on the bare, with a belt for any lie, so i knew i was in trouble.

sure enough he walked out with "daddies belt" and the razor strop.

i started to sob and held onto the bed for dear life.

" what are you being spanked for naughty girl?" he asked

" because i lied to you and tricked you and your trust means alot to me. I want you to trust me." i said

" ok count off" he said sternly and i did.

the pain was intence as he never goes easy with a punishment spanking it was hard right from the start.

when we got to 50 he stopped and i caught my breath alittle. he then switched to the razor strop, man that old time thing is wicked.

after 50 more of the strap, all basicly in the same 4 inch space, right on my sit spot i was allowed to get up. i was held in his loveing arms until i stopped crying and as he wispered "shhhh its all over now, its ok" i felt the most peaceful warmth pass over me.

i read somewhere that it is amzing what our bruises show that our heart feels.

nice pic

I love this pic. it shows how a wonderful DD relationship can feel. i feel like this after a spanking by Kirk. i feel like he has me supported in his hands and i am safe.